Austin Powers: The 15 Best Dr. Evil Quotes

Austin Powers was one of the funniest characters in ’90s comedy films. Mike Myers played the hilarious character, a womanizing spy who must fight the evil villain, Dr. Evil (also played by Myers) and solve crimes, usually while meeting a buxom, beautiful woman in the process.

The concept of the three films to date, including Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and Austin Powers in Goldmember, is to poke fun at typical spy thriller tropes, including outrageous plots and sexual innuendo. Powers is a parody of James Bond, a buck-toothed English spy with dark-rimmed glasses who might otherwise repulse woman yet they seem drawn to him.

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While Powers is the star of the films, no good spy thriller would make sense without an equally great villain. In these movies, it’s Dr. Evil. We’ve decided to add on a few more hilarious quotes from the dastardly Doctor that still hold up today! Here’s 15 of the absolute funniest.

Updated on May 9th, 2020 by Derek Draven: As mentioned in the updated intro, we’ve decided to include a few more side-splitters from Dr. Evil’s sordid and comical criminal past. Here’s to hoping he makes another appearance in a future Austin Powers movie, if the powers that be will it so! 

15 “You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!”

First off, Dr. Evil’s favorite word appears to be “frickin'” While we commend him for not uttering the real swear word, he uses the word so often, he might as well just curse like a sailor!

In this instance, Evil’s acting as though his request (no, demand) for laser beams attached to the heads of sharks is so incredibly simple that he’s baffled about why his team can’t oblige him. Of course, it’s a ridiculous request, but to Dr. Evil, it seems completely logical.

14 “Doctor Evil! I didn’t spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called ‘Mister,’ thank you very much.”

So, Dr. Evil probably isn’t an actual doctor, yet he claims to have attended something called Evil Medical School, whatever that is. Perhaps it is where people learn how to be evil villains and has the word “medical” in there just to add credibility?

Nonetheless, don’t call him mister. It’s doctor to you, or anyone else. Because it makes him sound smart. Even though he’s sort of like a bratty child, stamping his feet when he doesn’t get his way, trapped in an adult body.

13 “Throw me a frickin’ bone here!”

You’ve probably heard someone say this before when asking for help or to be given a chance at something. It was one of Dr. Evil’s favorite quotes, often spoken in frustration when he didn’t get his way or when he couldn’t get a little bit of help.

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Geez, can’t a guy catch a break? The original phrase is, of course, throw me a bone, meaning to do someone a small favor or something to appease them. But no statement works for Dr. Evil unless it’s spoken with gusto and with the word “frickin'” inserted somewhere in there.

12 “The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin?”

He goes on to tell a sordid story that it worth re-posting. “…My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds; pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.”

This quote pretty much speaks for itself. Dr. Evil had a very strange upbringing with a lot of sadness and trauma. I mean, his father invented the question mark, thought chestnuts were lazy, and he made meat helmets? What?

11 “That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die!”

While Myers has said he modeled the characters from an impression of Saturday Night Live‘s Lorne Michaels, Dr. Evil was eerily similar to Dr. Claw, too, the evil villain in the Inspector Gadget TV series and movies. Like Dr. Claw, partially modeled on the Bond villain Blofeld, Dr. Evil loves to sit in his favorite chair, stroking his pet cat. Except Dr. Evil’s cat is hairless to match his own bald head.

While Dr. Claw would declare a menacing “yes” or “excellent” followed by an evil, bellowing laugh, Dr. Evil grimaces while petting Mr. Bigglesworth and does his signature pinky on the side of the mouth whenever he conjures up an evil plot.

10 “Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call… Preparation H.”

It’s no surprise that when his dad says this, Dr. Evil’s son Scott smirks under his breath. Any person would know that Preparation H is a popular brand name for a cream used to treat hemorrhoids. But D. Evil often seemed oblivious to obvious facts like that, which was all part of his charm.

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And while it’s purely coincidence that Dr. Evil and his team just so happen to be on their eighth attempt at a tractor beam, coinciding with the letter “H,” it’s totally hilarious that he doesn’t make the connection.

9 “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It’s long, hard and full of seamen! [silence] No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub…”

Every once in a while, Dr. Evil would try to crack a joke and hope that his typically stone-faced, loyal crew might actually laugh. But they never did, especially not at this joke.

Rife with innuendo, it just wasn’t the same when he delivered lines like this compared to when Powers did. Powers had a geeky charm. With Dr. Evil, his crew never knew when he was being serious and when it was actually okay to laugh.

8 “Austin Powers…He’s the snake to my mongoose… or the mongoose to my snake… either way it’s bad. I don’t know animals. But I do know this: This time, it’s personal.”

As noted, Dr. Evil wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In this quote, he’s trying to suggest that Powers is his archenemy, the person he wants to eat alive and swallow whole to get rid of. Except he can’t quite remember if the snake eats the mongoose in the real world or it’s the other way around.

He gives up on the analogy and simply says it’s personal, moving on to discussions on how to take the rival down.

7 “Why make trillions, when we can make…Billions?”

One of Dr. Evil’s most well-known quotes is simply “one million dollars!” (with huge emphasis on the word “million”). This was a ransom request for the entire Earth that he believed was totally over the top. Except his crew laughed at him because he doesn’t realize that nowadays, one million dollars isn’t an astronomical ask at all.

He then goes on to utter this quote, not realizing that a trillion dollars is actually more than a billion. Oh, Dr. Evil, so much to learn!

6 “Finally, we come to my number-two man. His name? Number Two.”

Leave it to Dr. Evil to treat his crew so poorly that he doesn’t even give them proper titles nor use their real names. Instead, he calls his number two right-hand man, played by Robert Wagner in an eye patch, simply Number Two.

Beyond the obvious fact that he simply calls him a number instead of learning his name, there are a myriad of bathroom jokes that could apply here because, well, it’s Austin Powers. Half the jokes are about visits to the bathroom.

5 “Well don’t look at me like I’m frickin’ Frankenstein! Give your father a hug!”

Not much moves Dr. Evil, except family of course. Long before his clone Mini Me, Dr. Evil was graced by the presence of his son Scott, a teenage drifter who felt less than cordial towards his old Pa.

After unsuccessfully trying to get close to his son and then botching the Macarena, Dr. Evil got a bit frustrated and uttered this quote, sending Scott into full-on evasive maneuvers!

4 “I like to see girls of that…caliber?”

Dr. Evil was lacking in a lot of things, especially humor. His mannerisms were awkward, his relationships were shaky, and his jokes would have nightclub patrons hurling tomatoes within the first minute of his routine.

After watching an impressive demonstration involving the seductive Fembots (with deadly bullet-firing nipple guns), Dr. Evil cracked this joke to the tune of crickets. The tension was so thick that nothing less than a chainsaw could get through it!

3 “It got weird, didn’t it?”

Dr. Evil was too preoccupied with taking over the world to worry about the little things, like a meaningful relationship. However, he gave in to temptation when his trusted lieutenant Frau Farbissina put the moves on him, bedding down for a steamy night of passion.

Things didn’t go so well the next morning! After promising not to let their newfound sexual relationship ruin their working one, the two found it impossible to strike up a conversation. Defeated, Dr. Evil came right out with it, asking this question which Frau quickly agreed with.

2 “There’s nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster!”

Fresh out of cryofreeze on his first mission, Austin Powers managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil’s hidden lair and face his nemesis up close, and personal. The two took a moment to reminisce about old times before Austin launched into a proud speech about the grooviness of the swinging….90s.

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It went in one ear and out the other, with Dr. Evil striking back with this insulting quote. Frustrated, Austin had nothing left in the chamber except “Alright baldy, shut your cake-hole!”

1 “Sh*t. Oh Hell, let’s just do what we always do – hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good.”

When Dr. Evil was unfrozen after 30 years, he awoke to a world with a criminal element far different than the one he remembered. His understanding of economic inflation was bad enough, but it was nothing compared to how out of touch he was with the growth of technology.

After suggesting several dastardly schemes that ended up actually happening in real life, Dr. Evil gave up and blurted out this quote, falling back on the one ace in the hole that every criminal syndicate has on the backburner – hijacking some nukes!

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